So why second-thought.com? Well, recovery lives in the second thought, or so I’m told. The clinical director of the treatment center I’m currently in says that your first thought or instinct is generally an eating disordered one. For example, “I feel really ashamed; I need to purge.” The second thought, however, is what matters. “I feel really ashamed; I need to purge but instead I’m going to be gentle with myself.”
Makes sense, right?
And obviously it’s a LOT harder to go with the second thought when you struggle with impulse control & instant gratification. Unfortunately, nothing will ever feel as gratifying as going with that first urge, whether it’s to purge, restrict, cut, drink, use, have sex, drop obscene amounts of money at Sephora, etc. It’s a shitty reality, but the less dangerous things to do are better for you. As I joked with another girl in treatment— why is everything that feels good bad for you?? Because life isn’t fair, that’s why.
But deep down I know why it hasn’t been me too. I’ve loved my eating disorder too much, as fucked up as it sounds. I’ve been very honest this treatment goround and have discussed at length my generally high levels of ambivalence. It feels like I’m damned if I do & damned if I don’t— I’m terrified of this time in treatment not sticking while also terrified of it sticking. I’m scared what my life will look like if I don’t get my shit together & also scared of what it will look like if I do. My therapist here told me a few weeks ago that I have a glow about me when I talk about my eating disorder. That lit a fire beneath me. I want to glow about other things, fun things, not deadly things. Luckily, since then there’s been a shift & when I fuck up and purge, she says she’s noticed I seem bummed about it, for lack of a better word. So I guess that’s progress. I’ll take it.
Here’s to listening to that second thought, however quiet it may be.